Plan B

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. It started last Thursday with my first CT scan since starting doxorubicin (chemo). It wasn't good. The tumors have grown substantially. My oncologist here had called my specialist at OHSU to discuss options before coming in to tell me and my mom the news. They had decided not to put me through the third dose of chemo, saying it wasn't fair to put me through that when it did nothing. I lost it. Mom and I had a good cry, then had a little picnic in the woods. The woods have always comforted me.

The next day one of my best friends and my sister took me out. We needed time to cry, to process, to sit with it.

I am so thankful for my people.

Being at work helps - my job, my co-workers, helping other people helped me remember there are still many good things.

Friends and loved ones have made the week okay - there has been laughter and love and I know that no matter what happens, I am loved beyond belief.  I am always amazed there are more tears in my body after how much I have cried in the last three months and I am equally amazed by how much I have smiled, laughed and enjoyed life.

My parents and I went to Portland, stayed with my aunt and uncle, and headed to OHSU. At this point I'm weighing out the options...There is a clinical trial at OHSU trying a drug cocktail that sounds promising...But I still keep coming back to natural options - juicing, green smoothies, a radical lifestyle overhaul. I'm scared. I'm mad. I wish for wild health.

At this point I'm reading a lot about the options, talking with those closest to me, and meditating on what's next for plan b. I'm sitting in the midst of the unknown, thinking about things 30-somethings shouldn't have to think about, and life continues on - tears and all.   Tomorrow my dear friends and co-workers are hosting a garage sale to help off-set medical costs. I am surrounded by love. I am still one of the luckiest women in the world.