Work, Surgery & Hope

I have been back to work post major abdominal surgery for 5 hours days since last for just over a week and am SO incredibly blessed by my co-workers! There were flowers on my desks, awesome cards and they all pitched in to get my a gorgeous Nashelle necklace that says "eff cancer." I work with amazing people!

Quite possibly the best part of working in the medical field right now is that I work with lots of nurses who are happy to answer questions about health, or discuss what chemo might be like. I feel less alone knowing all of my co-workers are there for me in this. Being back at work has given me some sense of normal again which makes the unknown and the fear dissipate enough to help other people and feel like I am contributing to the world again. Feeling a sense of normalcy is a huge relief!

Yesterday I had my power port put in through minor surgery, by the same surgeon who did my last surgery. She's incredibly comforting, kind and held my hand as we were waiting for the drugs to put me under. I also had a great nurse in the operating room today who told me about tropical beaches while I was going under so I might envision being on a great vacation during the surgery. If only...

And me, being silly, kept asking, "we can do it on the right side, right? I don't want to cut into my tattoo..." Important things like tattoos really matter. ;-) But it is a great tattoo...who wants to mess it up? Besides, I learned recently that peacocks are one of the only creatures that can ingest poison and live through it...I'm claiming my healing peacock abilities going into chemo!


The port will make everything easier from here on out...I can do blood draws, get drugs, fluids, etc. through this little bit of skin where the implant is under my collar bone instead of them picking at my poor veins anymore. I'm thrilled! I'm still home recovering - the pain feels like someone punched me in the collar bone and yanked on my shoulder. But the pain meds. finally started to kick in today.

The sad realization of the port...I can't kayak this summer. I've kayaked most weekends in the summer time for a few years...this is highly depressing. But that movement would move my chest/should and could dislodge the port. Too risky. Perhaps this will be the summer of having people paddle me around...needless to say, applications to paddle me around will be accepted... ;-)

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I also realized I haven't cried in a week (a fantastic break from the daily crying of before)! The tribe helps so much! I am so loved and that is one of the best medicines yet!

In a moment of honesty I finally voiced to a friend what scares me most is the possibility of what I might miss - that although I plan to fight like hell, that is still a possibility. We all die eventually, and we don't get a say in that necessarily...I could die from cancer, or get hit by a car...there are no guarantees in life, for any of us. But that doesn't make it any less scary...and having a major illness just throws death in your face in a way that really makes you think...and for that I am grateful. If I were to die suddenly in a car accident or something, you don't get the chance to think about what really matters, to make changes in your life prior, or to love your people well. Knowing I have the opportunity to really consider what I want my legacy to be, how I want to love people and how I want to spend my life (however long it is) is actually a gift. I am thankful for that. Would I chose cancer? Hell no. But I am grateful I didn't die on the operating table on March 17th when the mass had ruptured.

Hope, love and laughter are by far the great medicines and healing tools I have discovered yet. I truly am blessed by the tribe of incredible people who courageously, with raw emotion are diving into this beast with me. It is so nice to know I am not alone.