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| A new print available in my shop |
Ironic.
The last 24 hours my mind has been wandering through possibilities...the fatal and holy question: what if?
What if it's nothing and I go on from here a survivor having made it through the worst and how will that change my life?
What if the pathology report comes back with something scary...how will I deal with it? Who will be there there through it and how will it change my life?
Always a possibilitarian, I look at both sides in awe and wonder and today...something resembling fear has bubbled up.
Picking out something other than pajamas to wear for the first time in nearly two weeks for the doctors appointment tomorrow turned into a ridiculous defeat of emotion as my silly mind went into the thought that if I could just wear my favorite pink dress outfit, surely there would only be good news! But alas, part of the outfit has managed to go MIA and I'm thrown. Go figure. It's just an outfit.
Tonight mom helped me shower, and like a miraculous angel, she shaved my legs for me because I can't bend enough yet to do it myself. It felt like a sweet letting go in a way that somehow, regardless of what happens tomorrow, I can be both strong and vulnerable, calm and afraid, at peace and disturbed and it will be okay.
I'm anxious. It's now after 3am and I'm still awake. I'm listening to ocean sounds online, silently trying to will myself to sleep.
Baby, our cat, sleeps pressed against my side again, snoring in a faint wheeze and I'm comforted. By the warmth of her near my side as my thoughts keep me awake past 2am thinking about the book I will write, the places I will travel and the relationships I will build moving forward.
I am a woman with a great many things left to do...
**This image has been made into an 8x10 print you can order to help me cover expenses while being on a six week unpaid medical leave if you are so inspired. Learn more on the link (in blue) under the image. :) **
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